Friday, February 24, 2012

Raconte- moi une historie

     I know I said I may not get to writing something, but sometimes things happen and it changes your plans... figures, right? I've talked a couple times recently about trying to make things more positive, and how I am trying to take more time and connect with other people (generally through Twitter). But it does go.. a bit deeper than that. This may also end in a bit of a downer, and just know that is not my intention either. Wow, I know what I'm going to say and yet, I can't find how to write it... This is turning out to be my worst blog yet.

     I guess I'll just say it... The past few years, I've been fighting depression, which is mostly brought up from feeling socially inadequate, feeling ignored, not understood, and not cared for by those whom I care for. These sorts of feelings plus other external stressors have.... even led me a couple times to the point of attempted suicide...

...There I said it. That's my secret, and for all to see no less. This is something that even my family has only known for like a month now. But I have and still am working past it.

     Now, I consider all of you on twitter as my friends, some of you as close friends even. You're the people I can connect with, and you all connect with each other, and that's what I love. Someone, whom I consider to be a close friend, and actually probably my best twitter friend got in a bit of a verbal scuffle with some other people. I don't want, nor do I feel it necessary, to go into detail (especially since some, maybe many, witnessed it too). All I was left thinking was, "What was the point in any of that?" Nothing was proven one way or another and it ended pretty much exactly as it had before it started. Nothing was gained, but the sense of happiness was lost. You call someone out on something that may not even be true in the first place, and in front of so many people. And for what, exactly? There was no good reason to do such a thing, to anyone, or for any reason. If someone wants to have their secrets, then they should at least be allowed that, because it's none of our business one way or another. I don't get it.

     I've also mentioned in the past that I am an Atheist. I don't believe in any sort of god or gods, heaven or hell, a collective conscious, a deeper connection that we can sense, or even understand. I try to see things as they are, not as I want them to be. For all intensive purposes, for me, we are alone (for now). And yet all people do is try to hurt and kill one another, and again, I ask, "for what?" All we have is each other, here on our tiny globe, floating through space on time.

     Why can't we strive for more? Why can't we see that it's just us here and that's all we really need? I know others, like myself, deal with feeling social anxiety, depression, and not being good enough for everyone else. We become so focused on how we aren't perfect or we aren't who we should be, how other's should be punished simply for who they are, our unwillingness to let people just be who they are, and all because they aren't like you or me. So I ask again, why not strive for more? Why not try to be more than what we are now?

     I'm... feeling shaken up right now, it's an overwhelming feeling to try and explain past such simple words as love and friendship. I hate to see many others that don't see any other way and subject themselves to living in a world of personal misery. There are so many unhappy people, and there's nothing more I want to do than to change that. I don't want to see others living through silent pain, suffering, and loneliness, only to die the same way they lived. I want to see a world community, filled with friendship, "the biggest group of friends the world has ever seen..."

     I see our society, our world, crumbling right in front of us, and no one even takes the time to ask how everyone's day is going. No one seems to care to change themselves, their lives, their environments. Stop waiting for the world to change. Instead, change the world. It seems like a tall order, but who knows, you may find, like I did, that it's easier than you might think.

     It's not me that makes me sad anymore. What makes me sad is that other people are sad. So stand up and change the world, so that everyone can be a part of it. Change it, so that one day, when Humans are no more, we may be remembered, not as a species destroying itself for no reason, but as a species that loves. I consider myself a friend to everyone, a friend to the world. And if I can feel that way, then why can't you?

     This song is called "Raconte- Moi Une Historie," by M83. If it's said no where else, than I want to known here that after I die, I want this to be the last song played at whatever service is had, because this is how I feel. And to anyone that's ever feeling alone, just know that you're not, because if no else is there, I am.

     P.S. When I first started seeing the number 117 everywhere, all my friends, family, and I tried to give it some meaning, something that we could hold onto. Once I changed my gt to One One Seven and made it my thing, it ended up leading me to so many people that I consider my friends, and that's where the true meaning lies: friendship.

Until next time... <3

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