With You, Friends

     Boy, has it been a while since I wrote last... or at least that's how it feels. Perhaps there was just a lot going on since the 9th. So, I suppose we shouldn't waste any time. Let's begin straight away. After all, you didn't come here to read about me talking about talking about things, now did you? I consider most everyone as a friend, and I try not to leave friends disappointed. But I suppose I should digress...

     I went home for my birthday. I figured my family would be happy to see me and celebrate my birthday with them, and I also had to get new tires. The weekend was pretty fantastic. Bob also came home for the weekend and Tassi, Bob, and myself went to see Phantom Menace in 3D. It was okay, but Tassi and I both fell asleep in between the second and third acts. I also finally got to catch up on Season 2 of Portlandia. We went to Bob Chinn's Crab House and my mom got me a cake, even though I was there for such short a time. As I figured I would, I got the current iPod Nano to replace the iTouch that got fucked up by being dropped into the toilet. I also got two big boxes of Strawberry Hello Panda and mini snickerdoodle muffins. For those that don't know, Hello Panda are pretty much the current day version of Koala Yummies. For those still confused, I'd just like to say: You've missed out if you've never gotten the chance to have these. They're are tiny hollow cookies with a tiny cute panda drawn on the rounder side and each cookie is filled with filling which is usually chocolate or strawberry, and I am a huge sucker for strawberry stuff.

     My sister gave me a bit money to go towards the tortoise fund, which I was very happy to get because it was looking to be a few hundred more dollars than I had anticipated... But now, I am not so sure about this plan. I was so preoccupied and during the weekend that I didn't really think about the tortoise at all, and I was gradually forgetting about it and losing interest. (Lizz, if you're reading, I haven't spent the money. I'll talk to you about it at some other point). In any event, I started wondering how I had gotten so close to actually buying the tortoise. The idea of it now doesn't seem too wise, as it's very costly, we're not allowed pets in our place, and if I had gone through this loss of interest after I had bought it and everything, I would be deeply regretting it (not to mention I'd be stuck with it for the next like... 50 years?). But why did this whole thing come into my head to begin with? If you read my last blog, which I wrote the night before my birthday, I was in a real negative mood by the end of it. I was feeling angry, sad, and moreover, lonely. In that mood, I think buying a pet tortoise seemed like a quick-fix solution to my loneliness. It was silly and impulsive of me and it could have fucked me over and I'd be stuck.

     So now what do I do when I go into this state again? Well, that's kind of what I figured out this week. If I remember correctly, this past Tuesday was Valentine's Day. Thankfully, my Tuesday actually wasn't that bad, as I successfully masked my loneliness with light humor and being friendly. Wednesday is when things finally got to me. Wednesday is my day off in between heavy class days, so I feel the need to be moving and busy, but with nothing to do or talk to, so I begin focusing in on tiny things that shouldn't matter, I overreact to them because what the fuck else am I going to do? So Wednesday night ended with me going to bed at like 9PM, in an attempt to just sleep the shittiness away. Thursday morning, nothing had changed. In fact, things were getting worse. The weather in Carbondale was rainy and very cold and I was stuck sitting in my car for an hour and a half waiting for ANY spot to open up. Meanwhile, I was live-tweeting my negativity for all others to feel. While I sat in my car, I wondered how one goes about meeting new and similar people. Maybe meeting new people wasn't the issue though, maybe it's how I treat the friends I have now. Sure I try to be nice and polite to everyone as I can be, but I still push people away when it comes to them wanting to be friends with me. I get friend requests all the time from people. I've made tons of friends on twitter that I connect with so very much. All of these people are part of the gaming culture which I have been feeling distant from lately, and a lot of people have tried to be friends with me so that we can play games together, but I just don't want to.

     On Xbox Live, I tell people that if I know them, I'll accept their friend requests, but that still leaves me getting requests on Xbox Live to play games with them. The thing is that I just feel so uncomfortable talking through mics and headsets, or even over the phone. IMing/Facebook chat is the same way. I don't know why, I feel comfortable with texting or twitter, and yet, I can talk to people face-to-face pretty well, I think by now. Face-to-face is more of a transitional thing that I'm working through. In any event, it gets to the point that if I'm playing a game that has multiplayer on it and one of these people signs on, I will go out of my way to appear offline so as not to deal with it. I then have to hold my breath waiting to see if they saw me online in time to send me a request or not... The point is, is that despite me considering these people my friends, I try to be as inconspicuous to these folks as I can be, I imagine, to the point where they consider me as a minor acquaintance, and it's this that puts me into these negative spirals. So it looks like I have to change something, and it looks like it's going to have to be me that changes.

     So now, I am try to make more of an effort to be actual friends with people, be nice to everyone, muscle through the uncomfortable, because more than likely, I'll be happier afterwards. The past few days I've been  occasionally posting tweets and statuses asking how people's days and weekends have been going. I've been getting at least one or two responses each time, but that's all it needs to be at this point. Starting a friendly conversation with someone, and being able to continue that conversation. If, for most of the time, my friends are stuck inside of a computer or Xbox, I suppose I can at least put that effort forward, since I don't get to see them in person that often. Once I put this together, I'll be damned if things didn't start going better immediately.

     Later on Thursday night, I tried to do the same thing with my roommates and Tom (Congrats Tom, on finally getting mentioned, I know it was bugging you.). We sat around in our living room watching various things. Zach had a bottle of wine left from Valentine's, so he poured himself a glass. I was convinced, mostly by Tom, to have a glass of my own. I had it, and it was pretty awful, but I finished it, and then had three more. I was relatively tipsy, since I don't drink ever. So, I went to bed pretty happy with how the day turned out, and on Friday, Dan was coming down.

     Friday started out nicely. I got up at about 8:30 and went to work out. I had to start out with the stationary bike though because I found that my shorts were a bit too big to run in without eventually falling off. I tried re-tying them, but as it turned out, they were already tied as tight as I could get them, to the point of the shorts actually scrunching up on the waste lace. When they were untied, I was pretty baffled by just how big they are to me now. It was like a before and after picture where the person is wearing an old pair of giant pants. So that made me pretty happy.

     I also talked to a bunch of my twitter friends throughout the day as well. I asked about an upcoming Grifgoose tournament on Halo Reach that is coming up and now I am in a team with IGLGrifball and PMS_NightOwl. I think we still need a fourth, but I do not really know right now. I also did my first Follow Friday thing on Twitter. I put up those that I talk to most often and those that I had talked to recently. I would've put up way more than I had, but then I thought I might be clogging people's twitter feeds, so next week, I'll be doing it again. In either case, I was feeling the love from a bunch of people who were feeling it from me. A couple people even decided to do a #FF of their own, both including me on the list. It's a small gesture, but I was feeling pretty awesome after that. And so unlike Thursday morning, things were now only getting better, because Dan was on his way down to visit me for the weekend.

     Dan came in Friday evening. We spent the next couple of hours catching up on things (mostly a more-detailed version what I just explained above.). We came downstairs and started hanging out with everyone else, who had begun drinking. Later on, I was convinced to actually go back to the bar, which doesn't sound like much, but on multiple occasions, when people heard that I was going to bar, they got really excited. Even afterwards, our neighbors heard I went to the bar and they freaked out, saying that they couldn't believe they missed it. I didn't know I held such influence. The bar we went to is called Copper Dragon, and as you may imagine, there is a big dragon, made of copper, that is hanging up over the dance area in front of the stage where a band called 'Mike and Jim' played a bunch of popular songs that I could only get mildly interested in; stuff that is difficult to dance to. Tom was already very drunk by the time we got to the bar, so I ended up drinking half of his Blue Dragon, which is like a Long Island Iced Tea, except that it's blue and sweet, that Zach bought him.

     I'd like to take this time and really congratulate Tom Nitti for not only getting his first mention in my blog (which he has been yearning for ever since I began my blog), but this is now the third time he's been mentioned. So congrats, Tom. Twice in one week, I have drank, which I don't do, all thanks to you.

     So anyway, the rest of the weekend was absolutely splendid. We bought the Monopoly: Electronic Banking, which uses credit cards and a card reader instead of actual bills, and it was awesome and super fun. I can't wait to do a game night again. Dan ended up winning, because for some reason, he has some natural ability to win at board games... Dan was also able to get my Windows 7 running on bootcamp. It was ultimately to get Star Wars: The Old Republic working, but there was one problem after another with it. We did put Steam on it though, and now I have Skyrim on there. I'm going to be switching over to playing it on PC because of the modding aspect of it. So far I'm still trying to figure out if they're working or not, since I haven't gotten to actually play yet... In any event, the weekend is sadly over, but it was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time. Dan, we need to figure out when to do this again.

     Well, that's all folks! Cherish your friends and they'll reciprocate. I leave you with "With you, Friends (Long Drive)," by Skrillex. It's not so much dubstep as his other stuff, but it's still one of my favorite Skrillex songs. Enjoy!

Until next time...

Feel the Love

     I just finished listening to the Joe Rogan Experience podcast which had Kevin Smith guest starring. For those who don't know, I have semi-close family relations with Kevin, not close enough however to where it's really anything like we see each other often. We've only talked a handful of times. Anyway, they talked about very interesting concepts about human physiology and the effects of drugs on people and other things like concepts of philosophy and the future and lost and forgotten pasts of Humanity. So I'm feeling very creatively inspired. I must take advantage of this. Let's channel that with the good stuff that's been happening lately into a nice little blog, shall we?

     I feeling good right now. Lots of good things have come since that awful final the other day. My grade came in for it... A 29/50, BUT I did manage to pass to class, so all remains well. I've just decorated my room and family room with some colorful xmas lights and even turned our rubber ficus into an awesome rainbow xmas tree (not to mention I broke a sweat putting up all the lights, so it's helping my weight loss as well, albeit only a tiny bit). 

     Thanks to a friend at the Child's Play Auction dinner, I was able to purchase a one-of-a-kind piece of concept art from Halo 4, and it's signed by Sparth no less! If you watch the Halo 4 concept art trailer, it's the one with the UNSC ships dropping into the mysterious Forerunner world. I can't thank my friend enough because yet again she has come through for me in so many more ways than she has to, mostly because she doesn't have to at all. She cares for the fans, and that's such a great thing to know. To know that the fans are cared about so much only makes me trust those in charge of it all even more. If you're reading, you're the best. Now onto more happiness, yes?

     I was out getting gas earlier on just before going to buy the lights and while I was standing there next to my car, I could here this girl talking to someone or something. She sounded so happy. There was a car waiting behind me because there were no open pumps. I couldn't help but make charismatically confused faces to the girl for his amusement. I don't know if he ever saw, but I hope he did and thought to himself, "hah, that guy can make some good faces." Anyway, while I stood next to my car, she suddenly hops out from behind my car and we make eye contact. "Oh!," I think to myself. She is very, very, VERY pretty and cute. Imagine Olivia Munn with less freckles and longer hair. She was also wearing a hippy-ish sun dress. Oh, she knows what I like. Obviously a free-spirited type who thinks more openly than most and has awesome and interesting tastes and music and cool concepts to talk about and neat stuff to go do. And she probably goes for more unconventional looking guys like myself because she's an adventurous woman. I make a brief smile, which clearly paled in comparison to her naturally lit up face, already smiling. She continues walking with an obvious spring in her step. She takes her eyes off me and looks ahead as she walks toward the small booth to pay.

     A guy is in front of her paying for his gas. Good, this way I can still watch her. Do I talk to her? I don't generally do that unless I'm on adderall. I remain standing, contemplating complementing her in some way that will start a conversation. She bends over slightly, throwing her hair forward and then back running her fingers through its waves. She gives an audible happy sigh of relief. The guy in front of her finally walks away and she steps up to the booth. "Hello," she exclaims to the guy in the booth, whom I can only imagine is miserable because his day is stuck out in a tiny booth while it's 30 degrees out and he's surrounded by candy that constantly tempts him as he hears their whispers in the back of his head. And then finally, at night, with no sun to even remotely warm him, when all seems lost to him in this life, this girl comes to his booth. A human embodiment of the sun itself. He should feel like he's come into contact with that which he can only describe as god, changing his life forever, knowing that despite the constant shit storm that surrounds him, there is still some sort of hope out there, moving around the world spreading the natural joy that emanates from her very presence. A single person that can change the world. This guy should feel what I feel right now.

     ....but he doesn't change his manner at all. He continues to sit there, almost motionless, as stoic as a rock. She gets her change and begins moving back in my direction. The man in the booth will remain their for the rest of his days; dying alone in the cold, because he didn't take advantage of the opportunity which is now walking away from him. Will I be different? Her eyes are already upon me as I stare almost blankly. She looks down for the briefest of moments, but as if in slow motion, her head raises, eyes on me, instantly seductive, a lock of hair falls over her right eye and she brushes it back. I try my best to smile even harder, not like a crazy person, no teeth showing, but enough to actually see a smile. I can't say anything though. Why? Why can't I say something like, "I like your dress and your hair and every bit about you from even the slightest of glances." As if it was an echo, she turned her head forward again and walked off, back towards her car. Now I was being left with the man in the booth. Neither of us would ever get this opportunity again. My eyes never leave her though as she trots back to her car. I should go over there. Yes. But my legs aren't moving. What the fuck was I doing?? The gas pump stops. I begin putting it back on the thing and close my gas tank, remembering the old man in the giant red pickup still patiently waiting behind me. I have to get in my car. Maybe I'll just pull around... But that seems so creepy and perverted somehow. Too many movies... It's done. I start my car and begin pulling forward. I can only imagine her watching my car as I pulled away from her...

     The thought of turning around remains, constantly trying to be reasoned out. I pull out onto the street, all hope of anything ever happening with this girl is slipping away, and evidently at my own hand. I pull into Lowes, where I wanted to get xmas lights for my room and our family room window and rubber ficus. We had been discussing it for a couple weeks and I wanted to take this opportunity of creativeness to my advantage. I ran in and got a couple boxes of 150-light stands of multi-color and practically run out of their as I check out. I'm going back. I can only hope that this girl is still there because she is so different from what I see. Everyday I see people who just look miserable with their lives and it bums me the fuck out. People need to be happier with their lives and their situations, and the fact that it's been cloudy and rainy and little snow isn't helping either. To even see someone like this girl, who seems so genuinely happy with her life and time. I need to go back there and meet her. I drive quickly back to the gas station, pull in and look at all the cars that pass, searching to see if she's in one of them. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there though. What would I say that doesn't sound as creepy as can be? I don't care. I need to say something though, I need to at least try. 

     I'm back at the gas station, frantically search the cars near where she was presumably parked. Nothing. She was gone... My head down in shame, I drove back home. I came back and remedied the loss of the perfect woman by putting up lights in my room and family room. They actually ended up looking really good and I've gotten like five complements already. The more I thought, well, at least I know she exists. I was excited to tell my roommates about her because it was such an awesome experience to see someone like her. 

     My only hope now is that I see her again somewhere because I know if I do, I will say something for sure.

     This is where I'll end for tonight. And again, I apologize to those awaiting my Halo blog, which I think will be in two parts due to the overall length of it. I leave you with Cut Copy's, "Feel the Love." You may remember I mentioned it in my previous blog. It's my favorite song ever. Enjoy.

Until next time...